By Tuck Weenus
Dear Sheeple, it is official. The Tufts Daily can no longer be trusted. They have engaged in active war crimes against the truth, and are unsafe for the Tufts community.
I am done being silenced. My strike-force infantry of student hyperjournalists have been digging up deep-state operations like a dog that can’t stop shitting. For weeks, our weapons-grade truthbombs have been blasting fact-napalm onto the burning backs of brainwashed leftists. We are the last line of defense, the hero cops fighting the evil organizations turning this libertous, justice-filled campus into a police-state.
We know about the collusion networks. We know what DARPA and the Engineering School are doing in the Middle East. We know about the custodial staff chemicals that cause infertility in Christians. We know about the paralegal death squads. We know about the French Department.
Recently, we have been investigating a P.T. Barnum bankrolled, heist of advanced alien devices from Egypt. We noticed that the sub-administrative bluepill operation runs deep enough that none of our interviewed subjects nor leads displayed any knowledge of the enterprise whatsoever. When we brought this to the attention of the Tufts Daily, they refused to publish our findings citing an “entire lack of any evidence.” However, our organization determined that the so-called ‘authors’ of the Tufts Daily are actually blackmailed porn-addicts who operate pseudonymically. We do not trust our information in their compromised, semen-crusted hands.
It is a well documented fact that the Tufts Daily is a disinformationist propaganda conglomerate. However, we mustn’t forget another well-known fact— there is an ongoing infiltration of the Tufts administration by a cabal of transhumanoid pedophiles who outsource their brain function to the supercomputers in Halligan Hall. Naturally, these same cybersapians oversee the computer-generated Tufts Daily fake news articles. All the while, the new computer science building (aka. false flag brain-host mainframe expansion) was paid for entirely by Hunter Biden’s 14-year-old stepcousin using extorted debts he owed to Ukranian prostitutes.
So why do they want me silenced, you may ask? Stupid question, you rhetorical imbecile. Obviously, I am the only wolf on this campus who is lion enough to dismantle the Tufts Daily’s MSM lies. They’re terrified of the deprogramming crusade my truth-warriors could achieve wielding a full arsenal of facts. Unfortunately though, so much evidence has been destroyed that, barring baseless speculation, there is no way of knowing how far the mole-hole scrolls. So baselessly speculate we must, as it is the only unbiased truth we have left.
We are witnessing an American crisis worse than Benghazi, Pearl Harbor and Obamacare combined. To the brave patriot reader who is committed to joining the revolution, we meet in the plastic bike shed outside Tisch Library. In the meantime, do not listen to your professors or classes, for it will turn your brain to yogurt. Only in the Zamboni can you trust, OBEY THE ZAMBONE.